Well, I don't know if it has been lifelong or not, but it's been around ever since I hit 13-14 years of age (when I entered my adolescence). I was reading this erotic story (in those days porn videos were hard to come by) where this older woman (if I remember correctly, the guy's mother) takes this guy for her lover. The way the story was written (it was like 7 pages long) and all the gory details which had been laid out were highly fascinating, and ever since, I've had this thing for older women.
Not just older women, but an older woman who sort of takes it upon herself to teach me the ways of sex. I've always fantasized about the first time she asks me if I wanted to see what it was like, and then seen myself, say very shyly and with loads of hesitation "Yes". She goes on to teach me everything there is to know about being a good lay, the ins and outs of the acts, if you will. I had dreamt, for the longest time, that this is how I'd lose my virginity. Not in school, with a woman about my age, but outside of my regular life, with a woman 10-15-20 years older than me. Alas, that never happened. But I still dream of going through this....this act if you will. It still holds the same allure it did 9-10 years ago.
I've never really had a woman in mind who would do this, it's not about that. It's just been about the way it happens - the eroticism of the process. Perhaps, the feeling that it's wrong has also played a part in the excitement (though I don't know why I think it's wrong).
Anyways, I don't know if it's ever going to happen. It might be better if it didn't - the only thing worse than your dreams coming true is if your dreams don't live up to their expectiations.
Friday, March 28, 2008
Finished Memoirs of a Geisha
So...I've finished reading Memoirs of a Geisha. An interesting book, though maybe a little disappointing towards the end. I would have liked to hear some more about her years away from Japan. But, perhaps, it didn't make sense to include those days in this book, since it had already reached a climax with Sayuri finally getting what she wanted (for once - which really was good to read) when the Chairman offered himself as her danna.
Looking back, what the book did best was describe Japan in the early parts of the 20'th century. It also did a pretty decent job of describing Sayuri's (and earlier Chiyo's) feelings, but the former came off being the winner in my opinion. I wish I could remember things about my childhood as clearly as was written in this book. I guess it wasn't written based on Sayuri's memories alone, but even so, remembering what I felt at various points during my infancy and adolescence would be quiet interesting. I of-course remember some incidents which have left a mark on me, but I don't remember, for example, how the first rain drops of the fall felt on my skin when I was 10 years old.
Anyways, definitely a book worth reading. Highly recommended.
Looking back, what the book did best was describe Japan in the early parts of the 20'th century. It also did a pretty decent job of describing Sayuri's (and earlier Chiyo's) feelings, but the former came off being the winner in my opinion. I wish I could remember things about my childhood as clearly as was written in this book. I guess it wasn't written based on Sayuri's memories alone, but even so, remembering what I felt at various points during my infancy and adolescence would be quiet interesting. I of-course remember some incidents which have left a mark on me, but I don't remember, for example, how the first rain drops of the fall felt on my skin when I was 10 years old.
Anyways, definitely a book worth reading. Highly recommended.
Thursday, March 27, 2008
This is abnormal
I'm not sure why, but I've been happier than usualy these past few days. In fact, ever since I flew for KL, I have been happier, chirpier, merrier etc. etc. (maybe I was just projecting this onto my parents too - maybe they are no happier than when they were in Holland of Switzerland).
It's odd, not feeling like shit while driving to work, or driving back home. It's odd, not cursing at every asshole who cuts you off on the road. It's odd, not worrying about how I'm going to change things around. It's all very odd.
Maybe this comes from my readings - BTW, I finished reading memoirs, and I have words to write about that, or maybe it comes from me having found something to do outside of work, or maybe I just don't give a shit anymore (in which case, it definitely is subconcious).
In any case, it feels good to be not miserable :).
It's odd, not feeling like shit while driving to work, or driving back home. It's odd, not cursing at every asshole who cuts you off on the road. It's odd, not worrying about how I'm going to change things around. It's all very odd.
Maybe this comes from my readings - BTW, I finished reading memoirs, and I have words to write about that, or maybe it comes from me having found something to do outside of work, or maybe I just don't give a shit anymore (in which case, it definitely is subconcious).
In any case, it feels good to be not miserable :).
Monday, March 24, 2008
Read it and weep
I don't know how this speech by Barack Obama on race will go down in history. All I know is, this is one of the best speeches I have read since MLK's "I have a dream". It gives me hope that America can pull itself out of the racial divides that plague it (and anyone who denies that they exist is definitely delusional). Read it and weep.
Started reading again - with Memoirs of a Geisha
As noted in my earlier post, a positive outcome of my laptop charger breaking is that I now have the time to read. So, I've started the process off with Memoirs of a Geisha. From what I have read so far (and from the book's blurb) it seems to be about the life of a Geisha (Duh...) which starts in Japan and ends in New York. I used to think that Geisha simply meant prostitute in Japanese, but now it seems like they were much more than that. I think it'd be more apt to call them entertainers who at the end of the night, had sex with their clients. From what I have gathered so far, sex wasn't the primary motive for men to come see them.
I have read about 4-5 chapters, and the one thing I guess I can feel and relate with the most is when Chiyo describes her feelings upon learning that her mother would die (we have been told before, and it has also been hinted that, her father is old and does not share the same kind of bond she and her mother do). What knocks the nail into the coffin as far as those feelings go is when she is taken away by Mr. Tanaka to be sent to Kyoto - at the drop of a hat, with no time to say goodbye or otherwise allow her to reconcile with the fact that she will never see her mother again. These sad feelings are reinforced by the readings in the earlier parts of the book when the bond between the mother and daughter is described.
It is also sad when she is separated from her sister once they're in Kyoto, but for some reason (and even though it should), it doesn't sting as much. The rest of what I've read, the feelings you have for this little 9 year old girl, fade in comparison. She is given a beating, she is made to do household chores, she is sent to school where "mean" and hard teachers teach her. None of that matters as much (to me anyways) as her being parted from her dying mother and not being allowed to see her sister.
So, it's been an interesting read, though it's not been as spellbinding (so far) as I had thought it would be. I must add though, the description of Chiyo's village as well as that of 1930's Kyoto and the okiya Chiyo lives in reminds me of a quote from Jhumpa Lahiri's book - The Namesake where Gogol's grandfather tells his father that reading books allows you to travel without moving an inch (or something to that effect, I don't remember the exact quote).
I have read about 4-5 chapters, and the one thing I guess I can feel and relate with the most is when Chiyo describes her feelings upon learning that her mother would die (we have been told before, and it has also been hinted that, her father is old and does not share the same kind of bond she and her mother do). What knocks the nail into the coffin as far as those feelings go is when she is taken away by Mr. Tanaka to be sent to Kyoto - at the drop of a hat, with no time to say goodbye or otherwise allow her to reconcile with the fact that she will never see her mother again. These sad feelings are reinforced by the readings in the earlier parts of the book when the bond between the mother and daughter is described.
It is also sad when she is separated from her sister once they're in Kyoto, but for some reason (and even though it should), it doesn't sting as much. The rest of what I've read, the feelings you have for this little 9 year old girl, fade in comparison. She is given a beating, she is made to do household chores, she is sent to school where "mean" and hard teachers teach her. None of that matters as much (to me anyways) as her being parted from her dying mother and not being allowed to see her sister.
So, it's been an interesting read, though it's not been as spellbinding (so far) as I had thought it would be. I must add though, the description of Chiyo's village as well as that of 1930's Kyoto and the okiya Chiyo lives in reminds me of a quote from Jhumpa Lahiri's book - The Namesake where Gogol's grandfather tells his father that reading books allows you to travel without moving an inch (or something to that effect, I don't remember the exact quote).
A nice time in KL
I got back from visiting KL last night, and it has to be said, it was one of the best visits I've had with my folks. Primarily 'cause there was no fighting or squabbling involved, but also probably because I was waiting to get out of Bangalore, and these past 5 days provided an excellent outlet.
We didn't do much, just went out of town on thursday to a "resort" which had various themed parts. One was french (which really wasn't) while another was Japanese. The latter was quiet impressive. We got to see a traditional Japanese house, where a women was sitting all dressed up in her Kimono. We had the option to go get some tea in traditional Japanese style but I refused (I have issues with people just attending to me - I don't like too much attention I guess). The rest of the days were spent shopping, driving within the city, or otherwise just hanging at home.
Which brings me to another point - my folks now have one of the sweetest pads I have seen in my life. It sits on the 16'th floor, overlooking the city and the hills in the background. The house is spacious, which helps with their surround sound TV. The kitchen is probably bigger than my living room. They also seem to be happier than before. I have never seen my dad this chirpy, or my mom as merry (what with her dancing and singing and all that). I had thought that with all the stress that accompanies managing the audit work for 25 countries, my dad would be stressed out beyond recognition, but, it was the opposite. He seemed calm, happy and was enjoying the things he did. Maybe he was the same back in The Hague/Geneva, but I have to say he was noticeably more perky this time around.
Finally, on a somber note, my laptop charger went for a toss out there. The first day was fine, but the second day, while I was setting it up, I heard a distinctive noise, which, as soon as I had heard it, I knew what had happened. I was worried that maybe the laptop itself had lost it's abilities to charge (:)), but fortunately, it was only the charger that had fucked up. So now I have to go buy a new one, or get this one fixed. On the plus side though, it allows me to start reading again, which I have wanted to do for a long time. So, I picked up a bunch of books from my folks place and have started the process off with reading Memoirs of a Geisha. That is what my next post will be about.
We didn't do much, just went out of town on thursday to a "resort" which had various themed parts. One was french (which really wasn't) while another was Japanese. The latter was quiet impressive. We got to see a traditional Japanese house, where a women was sitting all dressed up in her Kimono. We had the option to go get some tea in traditional Japanese style but I refused (I have issues with people just attending to me - I don't like too much attention I guess). The rest of the days were spent shopping, driving within the city, or otherwise just hanging at home.
Which brings me to another point - my folks now have one of the sweetest pads I have seen in my life. It sits on the 16'th floor, overlooking the city and the hills in the background. The house is spacious, which helps with their surround sound TV. The kitchen is probably bigger than my living room. They also seem to be happier than before. I have never seen my dad this chirpy, or my mom as merry (what with her dancing and singing and all that). I had thought that with all the stress that accompanies managing the audit work for 25 countries, my dad would be stressed out beyond recognition, but, it was the opposite. He seemed calm, happy and was enjoying the things he did. Maybe he was the same back in The Hague/Geneva, but I have to say he was noticeably more perky this time around.
Finally, on a somber note, my laptop charger went for a toss out there. The first day was fine, but the second day, while I was setting it up, I heard a distinctive noise, which, as soon as I had heard it, I knew what had happened. I was worried that maybe the laptop itself had lost it's abilities to charge (:)), but fortunately, it was only the charger that had fucked up. So now I have to go buy a new one, or get this one fixed. On the plus side though, it allows me to start reading again, which I have wanted to do for a long time. So, I picked up a bunch of books from my folks place and have started the process off with reading Memoirs of a Geisha. That is what my next post will be about.
Thursday, March 13, 2008
I've had something to look forward to
I'm going to KL next Wednesday (~6 days from now) and that has kept me a little more chirpy than usual for the last few days. See, I have had something to look forward to.
That has been my complain with a "work life" always - it doesn't give you anything to look forward to (well, maybe interesting projects but nothing else) whereas while in school, you always had something to look forward to. Vacations - Winter, Spring, Summer, holidays in-between, finals etc. etc. There was no shortage of interesting things to do within the confines of college. It, unfortunately, isn't so in the working world :(.
Anyways, I'll be flying out to KL on Tuesday night/Wednesday early morning. Be there for 5 days. Should be an interesting trip. Papa has bought an Audi, so I'll get to check it out. They have also moved into the new crib which was pretty nice when I saw it last time. I will hopefully also go see some places in Malaysia, plus the FOOD - oh the heavenly food. I LUVZ the Asian cuisine, and as you can imagine, Malaysia has no shortage of it.
On the other hand, it can end up being a trip from hell too. After all, I am going to see my folks. Those meets have not always gone well in the past. There will always be things to argue about - mundane things like wear this shirt, not that one - or go work out for the 5 days you are here etc. etc. My money is on the trip landing up somewhere in the middle. There will obviously be some highly frustrating fights, and then there will be some genuinely pleasurable moments. Sadly, only time will tell.
That has been my complain with a "work life" always - it doesn't give you anything to look forward to (well, maybe interesting projects but nothing else) whereas while in school, you always had something to look forward to. Vacations - Winter, Spring, Summer, holidays in-between, finals etc. etc. There was no shortage of interesting things to do within the confines of college. It, unfortunately, isn't so in the working world :(.
Anyways, I'll be flying out to KL on Tuesday night/Wednesday early morning. Be there for 5 days. Should be an interesting trip. Papa has bought an Audi, so I'll get to check it out. They have also moved into the new crib which was pretty nice when I saw it last time. I will hopefully also go see some places in Malaysia, plus the FOOD - oh the heavenly food. I LUVZ the Asian cuisine, and as you can imagine, Malaysia has no shortage of it.
On the other hand, it can end up being a trip from hell too. After all, I am going to see my folks. Those meets have not always gone well in the past. There will always be things to argue about - mundane things like wear this shirt, not that one - or go work out for the 5 days you are here etc. etc. My money is on the trip landing up somewhere in the middle. There will obviously be some highly frustrating fights, and then there will be some genuinely pleasurable moments. Sadly, only time will tell.
Monday, March 10, 2008
Jodhaa Akbar - a review
I saw Jodhaa Akbar over the weekend. I must say, it is by far the worst movie made by Ashutosh Gowariker, and is certainly not deserving of the 7.7/10 (as of this post) rating on IMDB.
Let me start with the cinematography. It could not get more clichéd. The battle scenes were shot as all battle scenes in Indian movies have been shot - a small army of middle aged, pot bellied guys throwing down with swords which are moving slower than my grand mother running the New York marathon. Then there is the pan out from under each of the asshole's feet, for what feels like eternity. There is also that one asshole (usually one of the chief protagonists in the battle) who just stands there like a dumbfuck waiting for his ass to be split apart, but his stupid ass is never touched. While he is standing there, with his wide, gaping, pear shaped/sized eyes, not one man from the other side has the common sense to come over and chop him down. And then finally, there is the show-off shot. The camera pans from above the guys head, all the way down to the heel, while a heavy beat is playing in the background. There are other idiosyncrasies too, like people singing in one part of the palace, and the whole god damn place reverbating with that persons voice (them castles were not small back then).
Then come the screenplay & direction. How many times are you going to rinse and repeat the same old story of no love at the beginning of the marraige, only to see the wife stand by her husband by the time the end credits start rolling. It's like seeing a rotten apple, rot again (if that makes any sense). And seriously, what's with the sudden love of the male body in Indian movies. Om Shanti Om had Dard-E-Disco to show off SRK, Saawariya had some stupid song to show off the new kid Kapoor, and now this painful movie has a sword practice session to show off Hrithik Roshan. How do you not get that the male body has never been the one to be adored. I would have complained if a woman was shown in that way too, but at-least my second head wouldn't have. Also, what is with the dialogues. The language being used is so laborious, it actually hurts. I mean, why can't you show a couple talking normally, instead of always talking in code. Sure, the first time or two is cute, it gets irritating afterwards. If I were in such a marriage, I would run the fuck out. Also, again, what's with the clichéd scenes - sisters bursting out in a loud cry and falling by her brother's side when he dies. Did she really not know he was going to die, while he's lying down their gasping for air. And what about the asshole villain who is discussing his plan to annex all of India with a foot soldier - while the "good" bad guy is very conveniently overhearing his plans.
Finally, the acting is so tired and boring - it starts hurting more than an umbrella making it's way up your ass - slowly, waiting to be opened. Hrithik Roshan hardly looks like a King - I have not yet seen an Indian king who was as well built. They are all pot-bellied, middle-aged, married to 10 20-year old's idiots. He is Mughal. Yet he marries only one woman, and waits for her to start loving him. This may be the truth, but I find it hard to believe. And worst of all, he does not sound or feel royal while doing all this. He lacks the commanding voice, that presence, that gravitas. Don't even get me started about Aishwarya Rai. I have to admit though, there is some consolation in the fact that she looks HOT in the movie.
There were other stupid parts to the movie too. In the final battle scene, where "Akbar" is fighting the defector/betrayer for control of "Hindustan" each of the side's army looks like they have only 500 soldiers each. I mean, is my nations history so bad that wars for control of land was fought by 500 people only?? Surely not. The final duel between Akbar the the bad guy moves so slow that I would rather watch paint dry. One sword strikes, and whole 2 seconds later, the other's lands. I can fight faster man. Did you see Troy. At-least that fight between Eric Bana and Brad Pitt looked like 2 strong men, gladiators, fighting.
Epic fail, this movie. The image is less painful.
Let me start with the cinematography. It could not get more clichéd. The battle scenes were shot as all battle scenes in Indian movies have been shot - a small army of middle aged, pot bellied guys throwing down with swords which are moving slower than my grand mother running the New York marathon. Then there is the pan out from under each of the asshole's feet, for what feels like eternity. There is also that one asshole (usually one of the chief protagonists in the battle) who just stands there like a dumbfuck waiting for his ass to be split apart, but his stupid ass is never touched. While he is standing there, with his wide, gaping, pear shaped/sized eyes, not one man from the other side has the common sense to come over and chop him down. And then finally, there is the show-off shot. The camera pans from above the guys head, all the way down to the heel, while a heavy beat is playing in the background. There are other idiosyncrasies too, like people singing in one part of the palace, and the whole god damn place reverbating with that persons voice (them castles were not small back then).
Then come the screenplay & direction. How many times are you going to rinse and repeat the same old story of no love at the beginning of the marraige, only to see the wife stand by her husband by the time the end credits start rolling. It's like seeing a rotten apple, rot again (if that makes any sense). And seriously, what's with the sudden love of the male body in Indian movies. Om Shanti Om had Dard-E-Disco to show off SRK, Saawariya had some stupid song to show off the new kid Kapoor, and now this painful movie has a sword practice session to show off Hrithik Roshan. How do you not get that the male body has never been the one to be adored. I would have complained if a woman was shown in that way too, but at-least my second head wouldn't have. Also, what is with the dialogues. The language being used is so laborious, it actually hurts. I mean, why can't you show a couple talking normally, instead of always talking in code. Sure, the first time or two is cute, it gets irritating afterwards. If I were in such a marriage, I would run the fuck out. Also, again, what's with the clichéd scenes - sisters bursting out in a loud cry and falling by her brother's side when he dies. Did she really not know he was going to die, while he's lying down their gasping for air. And what about the asshole villain who is discussing his plan to annex all of India with a foot soldier - while the "good" bad guy is very conveniently overhearing his plans.
Finally, the acting is so tired and boring - it starts hurting more than an umbrella making it's way up your ass - slowly, waiting to be opened. Hrithik Roshan hardly looks like a King - I have not yet seen an Indian king who was as well built. They are all pot-bellied, middle-aged, married to 10 20-year old's idiots. He is Mughal. Yet he marries only one woman, and waits for her to start loving him. This may be the truth, but I find it hard to believe. And worst of all, he does not sound or feel royal while doing all this. He lacks the commanding voice, that presence, that gravitas. Don't even get me started about Aishwarya Rai. I have to admit though, there is some consolation in the fact that she looks HOT in the movie.
There were other stupid parts to the movie too. In the final battle scene, where "Akbar" is fighting the defector/betrayer for control of "Hindustan" each of the side's army looks like they have only 500 soldiers each. I mean, is my nations history so bad that wars for control of land was fought by 500 people only?? Surely not. The final duel between Akbar the the bad guy moves so slow that I would rather watch paint dry. One sword strikes, and whole 2 seconds later, the other's lands. I can fight faster man. Did you see Troy. At-least that fight between Eric Bana and Brad Pitt looked like 2 strong men, gladiators, fighting.
Epic fail, this movie. The image is less painful.
Saturday, March 8, 2008
I don't know what to write about
Saturday evening rant - I'm lost for topics to write about. I'm tired of writing about my miseries, and nothing good happens that can be written about. Well, that's not entirely true - I'm going to see my folks the week after next. That is exciting - gives me something to look forward to :).
Life's been mundane otherwise. No good friends yet, no satisfaction from work....No! I will not let this turn into a rant.
...
...
...
I guess I'll stop writing now. Nothing else to write about :(.
Life's been mundane otherwise. No good friends yet, no satisfaction from work....No! I will not let this turn into a rant.
...
...
...
I guess I'll stop writing now. Nothing else to write about :(.
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
Oedipal & Electra complex
Just wanted to note something. A lot is made of the Oedipus complex and the Electra complex. A lot of women also have issues with guys being "Mama's boys". I have however, always thought that this feeling goes both ways, and in extremes. You can either try to be (and in some extreme cases, want to fuck) like your parent of the opposite sex, or be exactly unlike them.
Now, in my opinion, the latter happens more often than the former (this is not a scientific statement, just a feeling - so don't quote me). It certainly is true in my case. I have always respected both my parents, but I have always seen many faults in them. And yeah, everyone has theirs, but then that's how you grow, learn from other's mistakes. I certainly have from my parents'.
Just thought I'd put it down.
Now, in my opinion, the latter happens more often than the former (this is not a scientific statement, just a feeling - so don't quote me). It certainly is true in my case. I have always respected both my parents, but I have always seen many faults in them. And yeah, everyone has theirs, but then that's how you grow, learn from other's mistakes. I certainly have from my parents'.
Just thought I'd put it down.
Why's it got to be like this ?! (the driving version)
I hate driving in India. I thought I'd put that up front. I hate it more than hemorrhoids, I hate it more than Rush Limbaugh and I hate it more than George bush.
Three classes of drivers come to mind when I talk about this subject:
Three classes of drivers come to mind when I talk about this subject:
- Auto Rickshaw drivers: These mofos are the worst. They drive like the road is all theirs; turning without warning, driving in the fast lane at 30 KM/h, cutting people off like nobody's business, and generally being dangerous. I think the one quality I hate the most about their driving is the fact that at red lights, or anywhere else where traffic might have slowed down, they will try to wriggle their rickety vehicles through the narrow gaps that exist - inevitably scratching or bumping into some other vehicle and then acting like the reincarnation of buddha - like it ain't no fault of theirs. And while we're on the subject, let me also add that these assholes are a pain in the ass to get a ride from. Most of them are theiving fucks who will regularly charge you well over the meter price to go from point A to B. I don't have the energy to list out the troubles, so go read this if you're interested - but suffice it to say that they are an overall bane to this society, not a boon.
- Taxi drivers: These are the second most hated class of drivers. They too act like the road is their daddy's - stick their hand out and everyone coming in the other direction must stop, cut people off like it don't matter what happens to the guy behind them, stop at places where they really shouldn't be - slowing down (and maybe even stopping) traffic for miles behind them, stand half way into a right (or left) turn waiting for some benevolent asshole to give them the way - or steal it from a not-so-good-in-indian-terms driver. The list goes on, but you get the point.
- Two-wheeler drivers: They are the 3'rd most hated - specifically 'cause they have nimble vehicles. Now this hate might be due to the fact that I am not used to driving with 2 wheel vehicles on the road (in my defense, you hardly see any of those on Texas roads) but hate them, I do. The fact that they constantly try to wriggle through a block of drivers, the fact that they will go onto pavements instead of waiting for the traffic to clear up, the fact that they will not leave an inch of space between themselves and me (etc. etc.) all frustrate me.
Sunday, March 2, 2008
Into the Wild - continued
As posted earlier, I recently saw the movie Into the Wild. And as posted earlier, it raised quiet a few questions. One that struck me most (and I might add I've had in the back of my head for quiet a while now) was "Who am I". I have written about this earlier, but I'm still trying to figure out an answer.
It's no secret to those who know me, that I'm unhappy - and have been in that state for a while now. Part of it stems from the fact that I'm not entirely happy with the work I've been doing (I mean professionally), but more than that, I haven't been entirely happy with how I've been living my life. I don't have too many friends (though arguably, the ones I do are pretty good and we are close), I don't do things I know I should be doing (for example, get my PAN card, or go work out), I've never been in a relationship with someone that meant much of anything, I haven't travelled as much as I would have liked to, I haven't written anything nearly as good as I would have liked to, I haven't drawn anything, sung anything, or done anything remotely creative. I think that one of the things I hate more than anything else is being normal - conforming to the stereotypes - and I see myself as having become exactly that - a stereotype; working a 9-5 job, writing code, coming back home, and then being unhappy with myself. The only thing I hate more than conforming to said stereotype is not having the courage to pull myself out of it.
And this is where Into the Wild struck a chord with me. I saw a man, someone my age, get up and do what he wanted, a man who was brave enough to go out and grab what he wanted, without any fear or hesitations, without any second thoughts, without needing the approval of anyone (parents or otherwise). I see everything in Christopher that I want to be, yet am not.
I wonder if I'll ever have the courage to do half of what he did. I guess it's a scary thought - to actually find out who you are, what you're made of, how weak (or strong) you are. And maybe that plays in the back of my head too. Whatever be the reason for this cowardice though, I sincerely hope that I break out of it some day, and be who I am - whatever that is.
It's no secret to those who know me, that I'm unhappy - and have been in that state for a while now. Part of it stems from the fact that I'm not entirely happy with the work I've been doing (I mean professionally), but more than that, I haven't been entirely happy with how I've been living my life. I don't have too many friends (though arguably, the ones I do are pretty good and we are close), I don't do things I know I should be doing (for example, get my PAN card, or go work out), I've never been in a relationship with someone that meant much of anything, I haven't travelled as much as I would have liked to, I haven't written anything nearly as good as I would have liked to, I haven't drawn anything, sung anything, or done anything remotely creative. I think that one of the things I hate more than anything else is being normal - conforming to the stereotypes - and I see myself as having become exactly that - a stereotype; working a 9-5 job, writing code, coming back home, and then being unhappy with myself. The only thing I hate more than conforming to said stereotype is not having the courage to pull myself out of it.
And this is where Into the Wild struck a chord with me. I saw a man, someone my age, get up and do what he wanted, a man who was brave enough to go out and grab what he wanted, without any fear or hesitations, without any second thoughts, without needing the approval of anyone (parents or otherwise). I see everything in Christopher that I want to be, yet am not.
I wonder if I'll ever have the courage to do half of what he did. I guess it's a scary thought - to actually find out who you are, what you're made of, how weak (or strong) you are. And maybe that plays in the back of my head too. Whatever be the reason for this cowardice though, I sincerely hope that I break out of it some day, and be who I am - whatever that is.
Saturday, March 1, 2008
Micheal Clayton - an attempt at a review.
I recently saw the movie Micheal Clayton and figured I'd write down my feelings/reactions to it.
To start off with, I loved the movie. It was definitely worthy of it's 7 oscar nominations. What I liked about the movie was that it didn't try to be a movie that preached to you. It lay the story out (one that has been played quiet a bit, I might add), through wonderful direction and acting (and everything that comes in between) and then let you take away what you wanted from it.
The characters were built to perfection - the main protagonist, Michael Clayton was displayed as being a lawyer at a high end NYC firm, one who should have had everything, but didn't. He was divorced, had a failed restaurant business, was broke and to top it off, was a very low profile (but important) member of his firm. They didn't try to make him into something he wasn't - a hero.
Arthur too, was very impressively written - the firms leading attorney in one of their biggest cases who has just suffered a mental breakdown (this is where the movie picks up) and hence, has just realized how unfruitfully he's been leading his life for the past decade - trying to defend a firm which was the cause of death of ~500 people. His soliloquy at the start of the film as well as when Michael sits down with him in the jail are some of the best parts of the movie.
Finally, Caren Crowder - the Chief counsel at the firm Arthur is defending was very well built and played too (in fact Tilda Swinton won as Oscar for her performance) - a soft-spoken, speaking in front of the mirror in the morning kind of a lady who knew what she wanted and went about it.
There aren't any specific moments in the film I can point to that stand out - but the feel of the overall film was such that you had a smile on your face when it ended. You felt like you could relate with the person and his actions, you felt like what he did, even though legally wrong was morally correct.
It was one of those movies that you could sit back and enjoy, and even though there is a scary message that resonates from it, there is also one that you can take some amount of comfort in - that there still are people who do the right thing; maybe not at the precise moment they should, but nevertheless, they end up doing the right thing.
Now don't get me wrong, the lawyer in me (so sometimes I think like a lawyer even if I ain't - so sue me) says that he should have been disbarred - lawyer client confidentiality is tantamount to the judicial system, I still ended up cheering for him.
I'm not sure if I've been able to put down my thoughts verbatim here (not reading books can do that to you), but I hope I've been able to explain my reasons for liking the film.
To start off with, I loved the movie. It was definitely worthy of it's 7 oscar nominations. What I liked about the movie was that it didn't try to be a movie that preached to you. It lay the story out (one that has been played quiet a bit, I might add), through wonderful direction and acting (and everything that comes in between) and then let you take away what you wanted from it.
The characters were built to perfection - the main protagonist, Michael Clayton was displayed as being a lawyer at a high end NYC firm, one who should have had everything, but didn't. He was divorced, had a failed restaurant business, was broke and to top it off, was a very low profile (but important) member of his firm. They didn't try to make him into something he wasn't - a hero.
Arthur too, was very impressively written - the firms leading attorney in one of their biggest cases who has just suffered a mental breakdown (this is where the movie picks up) and hence, has just realized how unfruitfully he's been leading his life for the past decade - trying to defend a firm which was the cause of death of ~500 people. His soliloquy at the start of the film as well as when Michael sits down with him in the jail are some of the best parts of the movie.
Finally, Caren Crowder - the Chief counsel at the firm Arthur is defending was very well built and played too (in fact Tilda Swinton won as Oscar for her performance) - a soft-spoken, speaking in front of the mirror in the morning kind of a lady who knew what she wanted and went about it.
There aren't any specific moments in the film I can point to that stand out - but the feel of the overall film was such that you had a smile on your face when it ended. You felt like you could relate with the person and his actions, you felt like what he did, even though legally wrong was morally correct.
It was one of those movies that you could sit back and enjoy, and even though there is a scary message that resonates from it, there is also one that you can take some amount of comfort in - that there still are people who do the right thing; maybe not at the precise moment they should, but nevertheless, they end up doing the right thing.
Now don't get me wrong, the lawyer in me (so sometimes I think like a lawyer even if I ain't - so sue me) says that he should have been disbarred - lawyer client confidentiality is tantamount to the judicial system, I still ended up cheering for him.
I'm not sure if I've been able to put down my thoughts verbatim here (not reading books can do that to you), but I hope I've been able to explain my reasons for liking the film.
Into the Wild - confessions
I recently saw the movie Into the Wild, and while it raised a few questions, It also made me accept something I had known for a while but was unwilling to acknowledge.
Summer '06 - I was supposed to graduate in May - only I didn't. My folks flew to Austin for the ceremony and all that, and I never went to it. That, to them, was very disappointing - till this date. Now, personally speaking, I never saw the whole point behind going to a ceremony to accept the fact that you have graduated - I knew I had graduated, and that was that - I didn't need to be handed out a diploma in front of a bunch of other people to know that fact. But, for my parents, it was a big deal - they wanted to see me walk down that aisle - accept that diploma, wear the regalia, throw my hat up in the air, have a photo of me with my diploma in hand and them by my side. But, due to my feelings on the subject, I never really saw theirs. I now realize that may not have been correct.
I would guess that for many parents, it would be a proud moment to see their kid graduate College - it's something they have worked for for quiet a while (I think this is certainly true of my parents), and then on D-day for your son to back out - would have been kind of sad. I can't lay claim to knowing my parent's emotions or feelings beyond the obvious knowledge gained through them complaining to me.
What I can do, and what I am here to do is say this - I'm sorry guys. I did not mean to disappoint you, I did not mean to not do this for you - It's just something I did - mostly because I had other plans. I wanted to study some more, I wanted to experience being in school some more, I wanted to enjoy going to class some more, I wanted to learn some more.
So, mea culpa, I hope some day you will understand and excuse me for my actions.
Summer '06 - I was supposed to graduate in May - only I didn't. My folks flew to Austin for the ceremony and all that, and I never went to it. That, to them, was very disappointing - till this date. Now, personally speaking, I never saw the whole point behind going to a ceremony to accept the fact that you have graduated - I knew I had graduated, and that was that - I didn't need to be handed out a diploma in front of a bunch of other people to know that fact. But, for my parents, it was a big deal - they wanted to see me walk down that aisle - accept that diploma, wear the regalia, throw my hat up in the air, have a photo of me with my diploma in hand and them by my side. But, due to my feelings on the subject, I never really saw theirs. I now realize that may not have been correct.
I would guess that for many parents, it would be a proud moment to see their kid graduate College - it's something they have worked for for quiet a while (I think this is certainly true of my parents), and then on D-day for your son to back out - would have been kind of sad. I can't lay claim to knowing my parent's emotions or feelings beyond the obvious knowledge gained through them complaining to me.
What I can do, and what I am here to do is say this - I'm sorry guys. I did not mean to disappoint you, I did not mean to not do this for you - It's just something I did - mostly because I had other plans. I wanted to study some more, I wanted to experience being in school some more, I wanted to enjoy going to class some more, I wanted to learn some more.
So, mea culpa, I hope some day you will understand and excuse me for my actions.
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