A lifelong fantasy, as yet unfulfilled

Well, I don't know if it has been lifelong or not, but it's been around ever since I hit 13-14 years of age (when I entered my adolescence). I was reading this erotic story (in those days porn videos were hard to come by) where this older woman (if I remember correctly, the guy's mother) takes this guy for her lover. The way the story was written (it was like 7 pages long) and all the gory details which had been laid out were highly fascinating, and ever since, I've had this thing for older women.

Not just older women, but an older woman who sort of takes it upon herself to teach me the ways of sex. I've always fantasized about the first time she asks me if I wanted to see what it was like, and then seen myself, say very shyly and with loads of hesitation "Yes". She goes on to teach me everything there is to know about being a good lay, the ins and outs of the acts, if you will. I had dreamt, for the longest time, that this is how I'd lose my virginity. Not in school, with a woman about my age, but outside of my regular life, with a woman 10-15-20 years older than me. Alas, that never happened. But I still dream of going through this....this act if you will. It still holds the same allure it did 9-10 years ago.

I've never really had a woman in mind who would do this, it's not about that. It's just been about the way it happens - the eroticism of the process. Perhaps, the feeling that it's wrong has also played a part in the excitement (though I don't know why I think it's wrong).


Anyways, I don't know if it's ever going to happen. It might be better if it didn't - the only thing worse than your dreams coming true is if your dreams don't live up to their expectiations.

This is abnormal

I'm not sure why, but I've been happier than usualy these past few days. In fact, ever since I flew for KL, I have been happier, chirpier, merrier etc. etc. (maybe I was just projecting this onto my parents too - maybe they are no happier than when they were in Holland of Switzerland).

It's odd, not feeling like shit while driving to work, or driving back home. It's odd, not cursing at every asshole who cuts you off on the road. It's odd, not worrying about how I'm going to change things around. It's all very odd.

Maybe this comes from my readings - BTW, I finished reading memoirs, and I have words to write about that, or maybe it comes from me having found something to do outside of work, or maybe I just don't give a shit anymore (in which case, it definitely is subconcious).

In any case, it feels good to be not miserable :).

Into the Wild - confessions

I recently saw the movie Into the Wild, and while it raised a few questions, It also made me accept something I had known for a while but was unwilling to acknowledge.

Summer '06 - I was supposed to graduate in May - only I didn't. My folks flew to Austin for the ceremony and all that, and I never went to it. That, to them, was very disappointing - till this date. Now, personally speaking, I never saw the whole point behind going to a ceremony to accept the fact that you have graduated - I knew I had graduated, and that was that - I didn't need to be handed out a diploma in front of a bunch of other people to know that fact. But, for my parents, it was a big deal - they wanted to see me walk down that aisle - accept that diploma, wear the regalia, throw my hat up in the air, have a photo of me with my diploma in hand and them by my side. But, due to my feelings on the subject, I never really saw theirs. I now realize that may not have been correct.

I would guess that for many parents, it would be a proud moment to see their kid graduate College - it's something they have worked for for quiet a while (I think this is certainly true of my parents), and then on D-day for your son to back out - would have been kind of sad. I can't lay claim to knowing my parent's emotions or feelings beyond the obvious knowledge gained through them complaining to me.

What I can do, and what I am here to do is say this - I'm sorry guys. I did not mean to disappoint you, I did not mean to not do this for you - It's just something I did - mostly because I had other plans. I wanted to study some more, I wanted to experience being in school some more, I wanted to enjoy going to class some more, I wanted to learn some more.

So, mea culpa, I hope some day you will understand and excuse me for my actions.