- Having a decent internet connection
- Driving on roads that didn't have potholes every 2 feet
- Going on long, soothing, scenic drives in the middle of the night
- Driving a car that made me feel like it was fun to drive one (and I mean the automatic/manual thing)
- Having a nice place all of my own
- Watching HBO shows well past midnight - ON TV!!
- Shooting the breeze with co-workers
- Sitting in a bar, smoking a cigarette, drinking a beer, watching the NBA playoffs
- The Beer:
- Gusiness from a TAP...aah
- Blackjack
- Heineken
- Red Stripe
- Carlsberg
- fuck it - Shiner too
- Going out to eat to various joints serving up different cuisines
- The Food:
- Masaman Curry at Madam Mam's
- Anything from Hoa Hoa
- Stir Fry from Fire Wok
- Burrito's from Chipotle
- various shit from Taco Bell
- Sandwiches from Jimmy Johns (oh my god!!!)
- Portabello Mushroom sandwhich from NXNW
- Pizza from Dominos (believe it)
- The middle eastern food
- The occasional Sushi/Steak
- The grocery stores which had everything I needed under one roof
- The people who were always helpful
- Customer service which actually served the customer
- Company Websites that were taken seriously
- Public servants who actually did their jobs
- Cheap(er) gas
- An amazing movie going experience (despite the movie):
- The Air conditioned halls
- People who'd have enough courtesy to stop talking once the trailers started rolling, and definitely stop by the time the movie started
- People who had the courtesy to not take phone calls while still in the Hall
- Few movies that actually left you fulfilled coming out the hall
- (to be continued...)
- Electronics stores which stocked more than just household appliances
- Not having to pay 1/3'rd of my pay on rent
Showing posts with label self-loathing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label self-loathing. Show all posts
Sunday, June 29, 2008
I miss...
I miss...
Monday, June 23, 2008
Feeling down...
Been feeling down all day. Not sure why. I had a nice weekend, didn't have all that bad a work-day, and yet I can't help but feel sad and depressed.
During this past weekend, a thought passed my mind. I need to start preparing for my GRE, and I need to invest more time/energy in the side project I'm doing. I can't possibly do both of these at the same time - both of them will take up a huge amount of time. So, I thought, why not quit my job and pursue these two?? But no matter what I do, I can't find the balls I need to actually take that leap of faith. I 'm unable to think out of the box here, and hence am coming up with all kinds of rationalizations - like if I continue to work on my side project, and it's succesfull, my college applications will look a whole lot better, that I don't really need to go to a master's school, everything I need to learn, I can learn on my own etc. etc. Some of these do make sense to me too, but I would still like to prove to myself that I have the faith, the ambition, the resolve and the balls to take that step - quit my job with nothing to fall back on, but I can't.
Other things have been bothering me too - lack of good/close friends, difficulty of dealing with everyday life in India, my aspirations to travel and all that. I don't know what's eating me today, but what I do know is, I need it to go away soon. I can't have this shit hanging over my head.
During this past weekend, a thought passed my mind. I need to start preparing for my GRE, and I need to invest more time/energy in the side project I'm doing. I can't possibly do both of these at the same time - both of them will take up a huge amount of time. So, I thought, why not quit my job and pursue these two?? But no matter what I do, I can't find the balls I need to actually take that leap of faith. I 'm unable to think out of the box here, and hence am coming up with all kinds of rationalizations - like if I continue to work on my side project, and it's succesfull, my college applications will look a whole lot better, that I don't really need to go to a master's school, everything I need to learn, I can learn on my own etc. etc. Some of these do make sense to me too, but I would still like to prove to myself that I have the faith, the ambition, the resolve and the balls to take that step - quit my job with nothing to fall back on, but I can't.
Other things have been bothering me too - lack of good/close friends, difficulty of dealing with everyday life in India, my aspirations to travel and all that. I don't know what's eating me today, but what I do know is, I need it to go away soon. I can't have this shit hanging over my head.
Sunday, March 2, 2008
Into the Wild - continued
As posted earlier, I recently saw the movie Into the Wild. And as posted earlier, it raised quiet a few questions. One that struck me most (and I might add I've had in the back of my head for quiet a while now) was "Who am I". I have written about this earlier, but I'm still trying to figure out an answer.
It's no secret to those who know me, that I'm unhappy - and have been in that state for a while now. Part of it stems from the fact that I'm not entirely happy with the work I've been doing (I mean professionally), but more than that, I haven't been entirely happy with how I've been living my life. I don't have too many friends (though arguably, the ones I do are pretty good and we are close), I don't do things I know I should be doing (for example, get my PAN card, or go work out), I've never been in a relationship with someone that meant much of anything, I haven't travelled as much as I would have liked to, I haven't written anything nearly as good as I would have liked to, I haven't drawn anything, sung anything, or done anything remotely creative. I think that one of the things I hate more than anything else is being normal - conforming to the stereotypes - and I see myself as having become exactly that - a stereotype; working a 9-5 job, writing code, coming back home, and then being unhappy with myself. The only thing I hate more than conforming to said stereotype is not having the courage to pull myself out of it.
And this is where Into the Wild struck a chord with me. I saw a man, someone my age, get up and do what he wanted, a man who was brave enough to go out and grab what he wanted, without any fear or hesitations, without any second thoughts, without needing the approval of anyone (parents or otherwise). I see everything in Christopher that I want to be, yet am not.
I wonder if I'll ever have the courage to do half of what he did. I guess it's a scary thought - to actually find out who you are, what you're made of, how weak (or strong) you are. And maybe that plays in the back of my head too. Whatever be the reason for this cowardice though, I sincerely hope that I break out of it some day, and be who I am - whatever that is.
It's no secret to those who know me, that I'm unhappy - and have been in that state for a while now. Part of it stems from the fact that I'm not entirely happy with the work I've been doing (I mean professionally), but more than that, I haven't been entirely happy with how I've been living my life. I don't have too many friends (though arguably, the ones I do are pretty good and we are close), I don't do things I know I should be doing (for example, get my PAN card, or go work out), I've never been in a relationship with someone that meant much of anything, I haven't travelled as much as I would have liked to, I haven't written anything nearly as good as I would have liked to, I haven't drawn anything, sung anything, or done anything remotely creative. I think that one of the things I hate more than anything else is being normal - conforming to the stereotypes - and I see myself as having become exactly that - a stereotype; working a 9-5 job, writing code, coming back home, and then being unhappy with myself. The only thing I hate more than conforming to said stereotype is not having the courage to pull myself out of it.
And this is where Into the Wild struck a chord with me. I saw a man, someone my age, get up and do what he wanted, a man who was brave enough to go out and grab what he wanted, without any fear or hesitations, without any second thoughts, without needing the approval of anyone (parents or otherwise). I see everything in Christopher that I want to be, yet am not.
I wonder if I'll ever have the courage to do half of what he did. I guess it's a scary thought - to actually find out who you are, what you're made of, how weak (or strong) you are. And maybe that plays in the back of my head too. Whatever be the reason for this cowardice though, I sincerely hope that I break out of it some day, and be who I am - whatever that is.
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